TTalking with your loved one – especially your parent – about changes in their driving ability can be a difficult conversation. From the time of youth driving/having a driver’s license has been a sign of independence. The ability to get yourself where you need to go is extremely important to all of us. While most older adults tend to be generally safe drivers with few accidents, the risk of collision increases with age. In addition, as a person ages, they become more fragile and vulnerable to injuries that could occur from a collision. Physical medical conditions, dementia, and certain medication usage, can also significantly increase the risk of accidents and injury among older adults. The following can be signs of decreased driving ability in your loved one:
Changes in cognition
They are experiencing memory loss or showing signs of dementia
They are having difficulty remembering how to get to familiar places
They are confusing the gas and brake pedal
They are becoming angry or confused while driving
Changes in driving ability
Your loved one has been involved in a car accident or experienced a close call
They ran a red light or experienced other driving related impaired judgment
They received a ticket for a driving violation
They are speeding or driving too slow
Changes in physical condition
They are having problems with their eyesight or hearing
They are taking medications that may affect their driving (consult physician)
They have a medical diagnosis that may affect driving abilities such as arthritis, muscular degeneration, Parkinson’s disease, or they may have experienced a stroke
.
Having the conversation
While there is nothing that will guarantee a successful conversation, there are things you can do to increase your chances of a good outcome.
- Begin with the end in mind. The goal of the conversation is that you are able to express your concerns in a respectful, kind, and loving manner, and that your loved one feels heard and cared for without feeling marginalized or dismissed. It is more likely than not that this will be a series of conversations vs just one, and the initial conversation may just be the beginning.
- Be empathetic. Put yourself in the shoes of your loved one and try to imagine how difficult it would be to no longer be able to drive, and the grief and loss you would feel. If you can approach the conversation with empathy, it will likely go better. Do not have the conversation in a time of frustration or exhaustion. Choose a time of day when you and your loved one are at your best.
- Be on the same page with everyone involved. Have a conversation with all the influencers and get on the same page regarding your loved one. Being united and having a plan will be very helpful.
- Be assuring. Begin the conversation by reassuring the individual of your respect, love, and care for them.
- Share without accusing. Share your observations and express your concerns to your loved one
- Offer solutions and alternatives. Affirm how important certain trips and appointments are, and assure them of your help to ensure these trips still occur.
The goal of the conversation is that you are able to express your concerns in a respectful, kind, and loving manner, and that your loved one feels heard and cared for.
If the conversation does not go well…
- Don’t become defensive, argue, or take it personally. It is completely normal and even expected that the individual will be upset, angry, or defensive.
- Acknowledge their feelings.
- Offer an evaluation by your loved one’s physician or a neutral third party.
- If your loved one has dementia, ask the physician to write a letter or prescription stating that they must not drive. You can then use the document to remind your loved one of the doctor’s wishes. Or consider other “compassionate deception” techniques, such as telling your loved one that their car is being repaired or has been borrowed by another family member.
- Try an approach from a different person. Consider asking a close friend of your loved one or another sibling to be a part of the next conversation.
- Try again another time. Understand that this may be the first of many conversations and patience is essential.
Transportation options
There are many options available to seniors that will allow them to continue to travel independently and remain in control of their mobility. Explore the following options:
https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Resources/LearnMoreAbout/Transportation.aspx
